Nothing makes you sound older than a sentence that starts with "When I was a kid" but here it goes anyway. When I was a kid cartoons were fucking awesome. GI Joe, Transformers, He-Man, Thundercats, Voltron, I could go on forever. Even the shitty cartoons were fun because they featured Mister T or baby Muppets.
When I see the retarded cartoons the kids are watching today I am flat out gobsmacked. I am certain that my friends and I at age ten would spend the entire recess period beating the fuck out of some kid who watched anything remotely as pussy as Dora The Explorer. And we weren't even mean kids. It would have been for their own good!
What is going on here? You can't tell me that given a choice between Storm Shadow and Swiper that a young male child wouldn't say "I'll take the bad ass fucking ninja" every single time. So why are we punishing ourselves by putting out this crap, which the poor parents of our nation are in turn forced to watch as well? And, god forbid, if the kid does choose Dora The Explorer isn't that just a sign of failed parenting?
What's that you say? There were always bad cartoons? While this is true, that was entirely the fault of girls. Think about it. Jem and the Holograms? Care Bears? Rainbow Brite? No boys were watching these shows. We weren't pussies like we are training our poor future men of America to be with cartoons like Blues Clues and Kim Possible. (Girls had cooties and watched crappy cartoons, this is why I never talked to a woman until I was in my twenties...)
It might be too late for all of the boys over the age of ten at this point, but we can still save the young ones. If we make a commitment to get these kids on a strict regimen of Transformers and M.A.S.K. we can have these youngsters back to throwing rocks at each other and hitting each other with sticks in no time. I don't know about you, but I don't want the generations behind me growing up in touch with their feelings. Our kids don't have to be pussies, what greater gift can we give them?
Real American Cartoons
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