First, let me start by saying that this assignment is bullshit, and that DVR Assassin is obviously run by Corky from Life Goes On. I have 13 channels, and when I’m not flipping through reruns of Family Matters, I repeatedly watch the scene in Teen Wolf where the guy whips his dick out. So, asking me to review a television show is like asking the one-eyed Sammy Davis Jr. to review a 3D film festival. However, after I read DVR Assassin’s article about how reviving the American Gladiators franchise would improve summer television, I concluded that nobody reads this shitty Web site anyway.
On that note, here I go…
My girlfriend and I are always looking for things to do together. Since she doesn’t enjoy continually watching Michael J Fox movies in an attempt to find accidental nudity (there’s also a scene in Back 2 the Future 3 where a kid points at his dick), our options are rather limited. With that said, we watch Criminal Minds because she has a schoolgirl crush on Dr. Spencer Reid. While I will admit that I wanted to hate the show from the very beginning, I didn’t think it would be as unpleasant as the time I had to see Tara Reid’s mangled tits in Body Shots. Unfortunately, it’s wretched and I have to suffer through it.
For those of you who aren’t familiar with Dr. Spencer Reid, he’s an incredibly good looking FBI agent who went to Yale at age 13 and earned three Doctorate's degrees by age 21. He has an eidetic memory, an IQ of 187, can read 20,000 words a minute, and has impeccable style. And if you think that he’s missing a couple of ingredients for making instant orgies, he also knows magic, which should always result in disappearing panties. If Criss Angel can date a Playboy Playmate, there is nothing stopping Dr. Reid from getting more pussy than an animal shelter.
Yet the show’s writers portray him as a dude who doesn’t get chicks. Throughout the course of the show, he reluctantly asked one girl out on a date. He got her number after he performed a magic trick for her. They never went out again. He had a crush on another girl, but she wasn’t into the fact that he saves lives on a daily basis, is incredibly intelligent, is rich, and has no real character flaws. Who can blame her, right?
You’d probably think it was the Derek Morgan, the well-built dude who takes his shirt off more than LL Cool J, and has eyebrows that look like tildes. Nope, he’s female kryptonite. It’s probably because he served on a bomb squad, played college football, and holds a black belt in Judo. Or maybe chicks just aren’t into 6-pack abs.
Your next thought might be that Hotch gets more ass than a toilet seat. Wrong again! His high school sweetheart divorced him because he’s handsome, a good father, and is passionate about putting murderers behind bars. Sorry, buddy!
The only character who is getting any lovin’ is Penelope Garcia, an overweight computer nerd that the show portrays as smart, funny, and sexy. Penelope dropped out of college and was on the FBI’s wanted list because she’s one of the world’s most dangerous hackers. In fact, she’s so dangerous that she’s not even allowed to travel to other countries. When she’s not eating or listening to goth music, Penelope enjoys playing medieval-themed online role-playing games (I’m not making this up).
Penelope is currently dating fellow FBI agent Kevin Lynch. Like all dudes, Kevin is attracted to fat chicks who listen to Marilyn Manson while playing World of Warcraft. For many years, he was searching for a girl who dropped out of college and hates to travel. When he saw Penelope, it was love at first sight. In several episodes, I’ve watched Kevin show up to Penelope’s apartment in the wee hours of the morning for a quickie. How romantic.
Sarcasm aside, the bad writing and unbelievable characters make Criminal Minds unwatchable. In many ways, it’s easier to believe that there’s an Asian dude who can teleport, or that Kristen Bell can make lightning come out of her fingers like the dudes from Big Trouble in Little China. But to believe that Dr. Spencer Reid has been on only one date in the past 7 years, or that Penelope Garcia is dating someone she didn’t meet online is simply too ridiculous for me to handle.
But creativity comes from not only an awareness of influences, but from a study of how they offend you. If it weren’t for Criminal Minds and other lackluster television shows, there would be no quality television devoted to its undoing. There would be no antiplots, miniplots, and archplots that make direction and story writing what it is. If I didn’t hate Criminal Minds as much as I do, I would never fully appreciate the brilliance of shows that are written by true writers.
I’m probably preaching to the choir, but I can’t stress how important it is that people take some time and think about the television they let into their lives. It’s a wonderful thing that millions of people watch shows like Sons of Anarchy and Mad Men. There are still several shows out there that “get it.”
Unfortunately, “getting it” seems to be the exact opposite of what is lucrative. As a result, we’re left with shows like Criminal Minds, House, Family Guy, Desperate Housewives, and The Jersey Shore. I’d SERIOUSLY rather watch 2 Girls 1 Cup for half an hour than have to watch any of the aforementioned shows. And that says a lot about the current state of television.
Again, I still think this assignment sucks, but I appreciate the opportunity to share my thoughts on the shitfest that is Criminal Minds. If I had to do it all over again, I probably wouldn’t have thought twice about pissing in Jeff Davis’s car.
Love,
Kelly
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